Po godzinach… czyli branżowe (i nie tylko) rozweselacze ;)
| Luty 23rd, 2009 | |
| napisane przez: Asia Klamerus |
Każdego z nas łapie czasem “dół” dlatego Moi Drodzy nie poddawajmy się! Nie szkodzi, że za oknem zawierucha, że rozpoczyna się nowy semestr a do wakacji jeszcze 4 miesiące bo o to nadchodzą rozweselacze a la Neolution! Dzisiaj większość po angielsku (nie bójcie się po persku niczego nie będzie !!!) 
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50 percent of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Q. How many HR directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, but they all want to be involved.
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend! an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman “Sorry, we have rules…” And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed ! an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags ! and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her smiled and told…
” Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re an Employee. ..”
What Not To Put On A Resume Joke
These are some alleged real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume.
1. “Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
2. “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”
3. “My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.”
4. “Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”
5. “Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”
6. “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
7. “I am a rabid typist.”
8. “Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.”
9. “Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”
10. “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.”
11. “References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
12. “Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”
13.”My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
14. “I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”
15.”I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail.”
16. “Qualifications: No education or experience.”
17. “Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
18. “Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”
Deputy Sheriff Job Interview Joke
Simple Simon applied for a deputy sheriff’s job. In the interview, the sheriff asked him, “What’s one and one?”
Simon answered, “Eleven.”
This wasn’t what the sheriff meant, but he had to admit the boy was right. Next question: “What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”
“Today and tomorrow.”
The sheriff was impressed by the way Simon thought outside the box, so he challenged him. “Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
Simon looked surprized and admitted, “I don’t know.”
“Well, go home and work on that for a while,” replied the sheriff, satisfied that he’d stumped him.
Simon went home and told his mother, “The interview went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”
Paid To Do The Worrying Joke
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the young accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the young accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars.”
“Eighty-five thousand dollars!” the young man exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
Employee Handbook Joke
Please note the following updates to the Employee Handbook:
SICKNESS:
We will no longer accept doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
OPERATIONS:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
DEATH OF OTHERS:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a colleague. This exchange must be approved by both employees’ supervisors.
Ogłaszam konkurs na najśmieszniejszy umieszczony na blogu branżowy rozweselacz, na razie głosujemy na powyższe!!! więc jak na razie wygrywam A o jakiejś nagrodzie to może Zarząd pomyśli? Ja też mogę jakąś nagrodę wymyślić Pogoda nic się nie poprawia, do wiosny jeszcze daleko, więc dodawajcie kolejną porcję rozweselaczy!
Wszystkich zachęcam do zapoznawania się w miarę możliwości z tymi nowościami. Kolejna porcja wiedzy poszerzy Wasz horyzont i jeśli zajmujecie się HRem, pozwoli Wam podnieść efektywność pracy!
